March 7, 2013

The Dating Game: It's Ladies’ Night!

Welcome to the second round of The Dating Game. On our last episode, we had three young Bachelors looking for love. Tonight we let the ladies take the stage, in what promises to be an eye-opening look at just what those single women online are looking for in a man.

First, let’s bring out our lovely Bachelorettes!

Bachelorette #1 has obviously had some experience with online dating sites. She’s had enough of wasting her time with losers, scumbags, and almost-rans. Her profile leaves no openings for the wrong fish to get caught in her net:

             We probably won't be a match if the following applies to you. I'm Just saying...  

1.  You're married 
2.  Wear saggy pants
3.  Missing your front teeth
4.  Have to report to your parole officer or probation officer 
5.  Ever been in the mob as a hit man 
6.   Refer to all your exes as baby mommas 
7.   You have a crack pipe collection
8.  Take lithium daily because your cheese is sliding off your cracker
9.   Your middle name is associated with Summer's Eve


It’s not that she’s picky, per se; but she does want to make it clear that she has a particular man in mind, or not in mind. You can’t blame her. She’s obviously had enough dates with men with the above, ah, qualities, that she feels that it’s better to just put it all on the table up front.

Looks a little precarious there;
I wouldn’t try it.
I would like to pay particular attention to request #8, about the cheese sliding off your cracker. It’s pretty apparent to me what she means, i.e., don’t come around if you’re a total loony!!! But I did a little research (how could I not??) and found this four-second sound bite from the movie, The Green Mile.  Apparently, this is a reference by the character, Bill, saying, in his own way, that Percy has gone certifiably insane. So, that clears that up.

Our next Bachelorette only has one pet peeve: short men. Make no bones about it: Bachelorette #2 will not tolerate the vertically challenged:
Don’t be 5’11" and piss these gals 
off! They’re ready to rumble!


WARNING - I AM NOT INTERESTED IN ANY TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN WHO IS UNDER 6 FT TALL. Therefore, I will not respond to ANY messages if you are under 6 ft tall. 

Now, that may seem a little harsh; but, boys, it’s better to know going in than being kicked in the pants by an Amazon – and her Amazon sisters.

And, finally, Bachelorette #3, who seems to be a bit confused by the whole concept of on-line dating:

I'm not currently seeking to date anyone on here.

Ohhhhhkaaayy then! What else is there to talk about? Her perfect date includes places where she doesn’t want to meet you and things she doesn’t want to do.

So there you have it, Gentlemen. Three charming ladies with very specific men in mind. Do you measure up? What will it take to get a date tonight?

Mmmmmmuhwahhhh!



Until next time, remember:  
Only YOU can prevent tooth decay!
May your muse be just around the corner
and put a smile upon your face.

- Mona L.